The last two months have kicked me directly in the ass. Including this very moment, I’ve seen sunlight pierce through my windows before I’ve fallen asleep on more nights than I should have. I haven’t spent nearly enough time on the piano and I’ve been restless throughout the night while I waste my days feeling drowsy and lifeless. Truth is, I’m drained- and fighting that reality is only making it worse.
My summer has really been a reflection of what my mentality comprises of right now. Just complete chaos. Doing things on a whim. No real direction or regard for my immediate future. When only two months ago, I had a fully functional plan. It’s so funny how everything can change just like that.
Luckily, my drive hasn’t completely vanished. Luckily, I know when I’m just going through a rough patch as opposed to adopting some sort of permanent self deprecating lifestyle. What it comes down to, is not allowing myself to feel completely defeated when I fail. I need to learn to see the best in situations and really just flat out learn from my mistakes.
I’ll start tomorrow.
I would imagine that all of us would like to leave behind something that supersedes our mortality as human beings when we die. Recently, I was having a conversation with my friend about his dire need to do so. He told me about a syndrome that most men possess, which of course is understandable coming from men, especially. I asked him what he’d want his legacy to be, and to no surprise with him being a musician, he said “A really great song.”
As a music lover myself, and someone who would like to be considered a musician, I thought about what he said for a long time after we spoke, and I still haven’t come to a conclusion as to what I want my legacy to be. Although I’m certainly not dedicating my life to creating something that will live forever, it would be nice to give something to the world to say I was here, when in body, I’m not.
I think about artists who’ve passed when it feels as though they haven’t. We still listen to their work. They live through their art, and as my friend said, “what’s more beautiful than that?” And I get that. To be able to speak to someone through music, and maybe even connect and transform them even while living, is magical. Imagine a stranger listening to your voice, or a melody or a piece you’ve created after you’re gone. We’ve gotten to a place where that’s possible, and that’s incredible.
But I’m still not sure. After he told me that he wanted his song to be his legacy, I questioned him. He asked me what could be more important than that? I found myself saying almost immediately: “Lot’s of things.”
Someone could read this and walk away from it without a second thought. Maybe someone will read it and think about their own legacy. And although it’s a stretch- maybe that person will write a song because of that thought, and maybe it will be timeless.
That left me with the question of what it all really comes down to. Do I want people to remember me or my name because of something that I created or did? Or can I be satisfied with the creation living on its own with no attachment to me?
I thought about when I said “lots of things”, when really love was the only thing that came to mind.
I imagine that if and when I have children, I’ll love them more than I love myself, and I’ll teach them things that hopefully will remain in their lives to guide them even when I’m no longer around. I hope that my love for them will teach them how to give and receive love. I hope that I can live through my kids in the right ways, and if and when they have kids, they’ll live through them and so on. Maybe that could be my legacy. But I’m still not sure.
I am sure, however, that love doesn’t die. Real love can’t. Wether you love your kids, or your spouse, or a stranger on the street, that’s timeless. Wether you put love into a song, or a piece of art, or anything at all, if it’s love, and its a piece of you, that’s timeless.
We may leave our legacy without even knowing it. We may shake someone with words, or a song, or a feeling that could have after effects we never even knew they could have when we’re gone. I think that’s just as important as leaving anything else behind with your name attached.
Saw La Traviata again tonight at ZOH with Mel. Soul Shattering. Bravo!
There have been few instances where I can’t find the words to comfort someone. I’ve found, that I’m able to find just the right words in most situations. Your daughter, however, was a challenge. You were an even bigger one. Since I wasn’t certain if she even understood the severity of what she told me.
She told me that you don’t come to pick her up because you’re sick. She said that the medicine you take will make you lose your hair, and that you bought a wig to match hers.
I couldn’t and still cant put into words the sadness that completely consumed me when I heard that. I didn’t know what to say. What do you say to a 6 year old when they tell you that their mother has cancer?
When I saw you weeks later with a head wrap instead of your beautiful red hair, I want you to know that I didn’t mention it because I didn’t know how. I wanted to ask how you were feeling, and if there was anything at all that I could do- but I didn’t know how to approach you. I cried for a while after seeing you. Mostly because I felt like you thought I didn’t care. I want you to know that I care more than I can express. I’m so sorry that this happened.
For the sneaker freaks.
Bruno Mars | Locked Out Of Heaven (Major Lazer Remix)
First remix of this song that I’ve heard that’s worth listening to again.
New York treated us well, and we fit right in. So we’re moving, it’s official.
Mel and I had an awesome time doing this shoot with the Square Rootz team. Make sure to check out the threads.